Conflict of interest

This isn't technically (digitally? legally? literally?) a conflict of interest. Not really.

Some months ago, the folks at WireTap decided to try out a listener's hotline. They claimed not to know what they'd do with it; they just wanted to try it out and see what happened. Listeners were encouraged to call in with all of their problems, whether personal or professional. This happened to be the same time that I was eagerly awaiting Jonathan Goldstein to follow-up on a previous email in which he stated that he was "happy to talk." I had emailed to request a date (no, not that kind of date, though I would not have declined such an invitation myself) to speak in person, as I was heading to Montreal for a short visit. A few weeks had gone by and I hadn't heard back from Goldstein. Wanting to find that delicate balance between pushy/stalker and disinterested/doormat, I had vowed to give it one more week until I wrote him again. But then! The listener's hotline appeared! It was like a gift!

Naturally I called in with my dilemma. What could have been more appropriate? "Hi, this is Marcelle calling from Guelph. I guess you could call this an academic rather than personal problem..." Goldstein emailed me two days later. We set a date and time and I more or less forgot about the phone-in.

Today, three or four months later, long after meeting with Goldstein and having the most enjoyable conversation about my studies ever, my partner Trevor greeted me at the door with the words: "I've got something I want to play for you." He began to play a WireTap podcast, an episode I hadn't yet heard (I've been slacking, I know). It was the phone-in episode. He fast-forwarded the episode to the end when "Bernice Meadows," the show's "voice," was in the process of thanking the callers. Then a montage of dozens of snippets from calls began. "I love your show," "long-time listener, first-time caller," "I've got a problem," "I need your help," and so on. And then- then! 

"where do I go from here?" Stop.

It was my voice. My voice sampled on WireTap! I knew it immediately. Its oddly deep but shallow tone. The asking of a question that isn't really a question. The sound of nonchalance with just a hint of anxiety and and a dash of nervous sweat. My voice.

My world and the fictional world of WireTap had finally collided- and I didn't even know it! For weeks I did not know! And now, now that I do know, where do I go from here?

Do not misunderstand me. I am not angry or disappointed or caught in a legitimate conflict of interest. No, no. I am amused, if anything. Delighted, even! But how will this fit into my project? It has to; the whole crux of my project is the legitimacy of the character Jonathan's anxieties about the disappearing body in the face of digital media technologies because the program itself demonstrates that digital media confuse the boundaries between the "real" and the "fictitious." Suddenly my "real" world in which I listen to and study WireTap is less distinct from that fictional source of material driving my project. I am implicated in my own project. And I did it myself! I blurred those boundaries all on my own.

I can't tell if I'm thrilled or terrified.

Uh oh!

I'm listening to a new episode of WireTap as I type; it's called "The Elite." Today's episode starts with an original theme song. Goldstein & co. have been on a mission recently to find a (Golden Girls-esque) theme song for the show. I listened to it realizing that there is no way that I'll be able to cover all seven of these incredible seasons in this project. Every new episode adds a further layer of complication to my understanding of the show's engagement with technology and the body. Today's episode starts with Jonathan and his sister, Marie-Claude, driving in the car listening to the radio, discussing a Lady Gaga song that has come on (see yesterday's post, which ends with my comments on Lady Gaga). Then Jonathan and Howard discuss Howard's internet IQ test results. And then Josh calls Jonathan to tell him he's been "tapped" into a secret society (which turns out to be a cult), but first accuses Jonathan of "tweeting" everything told to him in confidence. And then Gregor calls Jonathan to bully him into creating a twin, Corbin Goldstein, who will eventually become more popular than Jonathan, ultimately killing him (Jonathan) off.

It's incredible. I have no idea how to pick and choose among the scores of episodes, especially as new ones come out each week. Moreover, I can't even write a blog post in the 26 minute length of the show because now that I'm listening for it, every single conversation gives me more to write about. I'll have to choose some arbitrary timeline from which to select my episodes. Or draw them out of a hat? Email Goldstein and ask him which are his favourites? Take a poll? Transform my MRP into a thesis because there's too much to say?

Proposal submitted

My supervisor has accepted my MRP proposal and submitted it to the department! This is good- it means that this blog is not yet irrelevant. Unless it actually means that this blog is irrelevant because it's too early to know for what and how it will be useful. Or is it?

I am also beginning to realize that in order for this blog to be useful as an appendage to my MRP, I'll have to start labeling my posts. And probably writing about things that are useful. What do I even mean by useful?

There is a small problem in the near future that I'll have to eventually accept and deal with. it is this: I'm not particularly find of the sound of my voice (is anyone?). But still, if I'm recording a radio documentary as my MRP, I'm going to have to spend a lot of time listening to my voice as I edit. Maybe once I'm in the studio I can use an auto-tuner to make it sound like Lady Gaga is narrating the documentary. How appropriate is that? Lady Gaga is totally into this human-machine cyborg stuff. This is a good plan.

Gadgets

Sunday,

Blogger's blog options have lots of space for things called "gadgets." No matter how many times I start a new blog, I always try to add gadgets, and eventually delete them because they look so out of place. This is usually because I don't understand what the gadgets actually do. Or, I do understand, and I add them, and then I delete them for fear no one else will understand what they are or why they're there.

I decided this time would be different. This time, this blog, I will take a risk and add a visitor count. A real gadget that counts the visits to this blog. But, after about four hours of the counter increasing only when I hit the page refresh button, I was ready to accept defeat and delete it. But this is for research! I said to myself. The purpose of the blog is to document my anxieties, not succumb to them. So I met myself in the middle: I changed the name of the counter from "blog visits" to "Number of times I've visited my own blog." That felt better. It was self-aware. Witty. Dare I even say, post-modern?

But there's no way I've visited this blog 40 times since yesterday. Six times, probably. Maybe 10. But forty? Other people people are reading this. Enter new anxiety: people might read this blog. I'll have to start using spellcheck and proof-reading. I might have to add more gadgets.

Am I even allowed to do this?

My MRP proposal hasn't even been approved yet, and here I am constructing part C of what will undoubtedly consume my entire life over the next 6 months.

If I were really being honest, I'd admit that the only reason I'm including a blog portion to my MRP is to give me an outlet to feel as though I'm procrastinating while actually doing work. I've done this twice already with two other major projects in my life (getting married, and getting a Master's). Neither of those blogs have yielded positive results for my level of productivity. Instead they hang over my head, like incomplete homework that isn't even for grades.

And yet I've done it again. I can't help it.